You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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