Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
