My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
