When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
