im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
