Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
