Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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