When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
