Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
