my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
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I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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