She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
