porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
