i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
These tits shall not be calmed
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