going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize