The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
