One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
