when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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