Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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