I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
