Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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