Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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