wrigley field is MILF paradise
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My cat gives me a boner
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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