Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
