I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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