I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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