I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My friends, they love my intelligence
he puts the penis in happiness.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
