I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
