In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
