a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
