i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
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The feeling are messing with the penis
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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