You made me cry and you don't even care
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
