It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
