Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
false alarm. still invincible.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
