Duck Duck Cougar?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
