I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
