She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
