He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
