she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
