I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im six kinds of drunk right now
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
