John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
