You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I touched a dick in church today
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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