i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
