dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
