So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
