There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
This baby is an asshole
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
