I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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