I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
