I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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