my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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