the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
