It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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