My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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