I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
